Diary: Dancing to the tune of Grandmaster Gove

After Boris Johnson won the General Election in 2019, his arch/best frenemy Michael Gove apparently got back into his good books by toasting him with a rewritten rap based on the Hamilton musical: “What’s your name, man? Alexander B Johnson.” The subconscious casting is rather telling. In the show, the song he was riffing on is delivered by the anti-hero, Aaron Burr – the man who shot Alexander Hamilton. Now that the long game is clearly paying off and he has been promoted to the giddy heights of secretary of state for levelling up stuff, maybe Gove should pen a follow-up? With apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda, might Diary suggest a take on Burr’s other number Wait for it … I have to plan, house and level-up the entire nation, Is this a poisoned chalice or a step to my vocation? We have to build communities, But we don’t know what they are. Jenrick’s left no sodding instructions, Except to tax BTR. Boris doesn’t hesitate, he exhibits no restraint, He fakes and he fakes and he fakes And he keeps winning anyway. They laugh and they cry and things break, But he shrugs off mistakes And if there’s a reason he’s boss of me While I get to be at the DLUHC, Then Goddamnit, I’M WILLING TO WAIT FOR IT! D to the L to the UHC The Local Government Association is, we hear, a little miffed that “Local Government” has been dropped from the newly renamed Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities. Some argue it is indicative of the government’s desire to move away from traditional local authorities altogether and embrace more metro mayors. Others point out that the department was already in danger of looking like a losing hand in Scrabble and a couple of letters had to go. Either way, there is already some speculation as to how this unwieldy word salad could be more easily digested. We rather like the simple sounding out of its initials, DoLUHC – Dollock. In which case, perhaps it could be changed from a Department to a Branch – ideal for when it is inevitably dropped? Alternatively, if we were to hyphenate “Levelling-up” and switch the priorities a little (nudging Communities before Housing) that could result in DoLCH, the German word for dagger. That might have some appeal, given Michael Gove’s past issues with loyalty. Or finally, in honour of just how much of Boris’s agenda has just been entrusted to this one department, there is another option that would no doubt appeal to the secretary of state: the Gove-rnment. Invasion of the pod people? Another nugget for Diary’s “Is this the future of the office?” pile. Launching this week at the London Design Festival are the ”next-generation work pods” from staccato-named design start-up Make.Work.Space. These are, essentially, freestanding cubicles that can be booked on an app and accessed in major stations, public buildings and shopping centres, and which will eventually be available to buy for your garden. According to the company: “Never again should we have to seek out a coffee shop to send that urgent e-mail! Or take a work call in a noisy train station.” Instead, we can carry out important business in something that looks like a kind of high-spec Portaloo, while crossing our fingers that the previous occupant has not followed that thought through to its rather unsavoury conclusion. This cow is small, that one is far away When introducing guests on a panel or podcast there is always the spectre of the dreaded name mispronunciation hanging heavy over the chairperson. If in doubt, it is always best to ask in advance and Diary was delighted when a quick name check before a podcast this week revealed a rather a-moo-sing pronunciation tip. Enter Marcus Moufarrige, founder and CEO of tech platform Ility, who didn’t skip a beat when asked to clarify how to say his surname. “It’s Moo-far-ridge,” he said. “Just think of a cow, a long way away, on a hill.” Simple, elegant and guaranteed to work for anyone except maybe Dougal from Father Ted. Suffice to say this is a name that Diary will remember until the cows come home (from yonder ridge). EnFlix and chill What do you think of when you think of Enfield? Anything? Maybe you think about dishwashers – it was the home of the first mass-produced dishwasher, manufactured at Hotpoint’s now closed factory. Maybe you think about ATMs – it was, after all, the very first place in the world to have a cash machine. Maybe you think of the Edmonton Green shopping centre. But what I bet you don’t think about is Hollywood. And really you should. Enfield’s best-kept secret (albeit it not for very long) is that it is fast becoming the place for television and film production, having set itself up to become a mecca for every streaming giant you can think of (see Forget Hollywood, Enfield is where the lights, camera, action is). So much so that the team at Film London, the mayor’s film and television screen agency focused on bringing producers to the capital, jokes about rebranding the borough as EnFlix. Ta-dum! Image © Tayfun Salci/ZUMA Wire/Shutterstock